Hinds' Feet

Confession: I like allegories.

It seems that in modern times, especially in the English-major world, allegories have a bad rep. I understand, I do. Allegories do not have subtle, well-crafted symbolism. When they have a bad guy, his name is usually something like Mr. Pride or Spiteful. Allegories do not have complex, multi-dimensional villians; they're just prideful or spiteful. Also, authors of allegories do another thing that most English-y people tend to despise: the whole point of their story is to convey a blatant, moral message. That's it.

I understand these criticisms, and I usually agree. Movies like "The Day the Earth Stood Still" drive me crazy because their message is so heavy-handed. Can't they figure out a more subtle way to disperse their message then having their characters blurt it out every twenty minutes or so? Do they think their audience is stupid? Even though I often feel like that in any other genre, I don't get annoyed by the in-your-face nature of allegorical messages. I mean, that's kind of the point.

Take Hind's Feet in High Places. It's one of my favorite books, and it's an allegory to the core. I stupidly left my copy in the States, but thankfully my mom has a copy in Hong Kong. I took it with me to Bangkok and have been reading it. This is probably at least the sixth time I've read the book, but it moves me every time. Sure, there are some things I don't like about it, like the way the author puts the Biblical songs into the book. Honestly, they don't fit. But other than that, I love it.

It's about the journey of a lame, rather ugly, and very timid girl named Much-Afraid as she goes to the High Places. The Chief Shepherd whom she serves and loves promises her that he will make her beautiful and make her feet like hinds'. Most importantly, the seed of love is planted in her heart. Much-Afraid goes through so much! She's given two frightening companions, Sorrow and Suffering, and they have to go through deserts and forests and climb precepices before they can reach the High Places.

Despite it's lack of literary prestige, that book always touches me deeply. When I read about Much-Afraid's time near the Sea of Loneliness or her struggle to accept her companions, Sorrow and Suffering, it really makes me think about my own journey. It helps me to see my journey through life as something bigger than my current state, my current dry spell, my current doubts. Sure, sometimes I walk through a Forest of Trials and Tribulations, but it is a process of refining me and making me more able to walk in the heights.

I figure, who cares if it's a great literary work? It helps my soul, and I think that's enough.

Everywhere I Go

So the song "Everywhere I Go" by Five Iron Frenzy has been my theme song lately. I was just going to put up the chorus, but the lyrics are so great that I had to put them all up. If you don't like reading lots of lyrics then just read the chorus.

I was wasting time
Oh so sure to find somebody who'll
Never go
How could I know
None I'd found was true
None could be but you
The only one love divine
My heart, my mind are yours

Everywhere I go I see your face through the crowd
Everywhere I go I hear your voice clear and loud
Everywhere I go you are the light that I seek
Everywhere I go you have found me

Where could my heart go
Where you wouldn't be
Where you wouldn't know to find me?
Far far from here
Still you are near
Still you are near to me
And I see

I have seen you in the morning
In the guiding light you hold me
Closer than the air around me
You surround me always.

See, this is the kind of worship song I would sing under my breath in chapel when I was feeling slightly stifled by some of the music. Not only is this song musically intense but its lyrics are intense. Better than, pardon me, some of the drivel out there. I don't mean to offend anyone if you like those kinds of song. If you like the music, then I'm very glad for you. But quite often I had trouble singing songs because I didn't like the music or the words. I know that I can worship God anyway, even if I don't like the music, but that is hard for me. Maybe it's something I need to work on. Or not.

Anyway, I've been listening to this song every morning before I leave for school, and it plays in my head randomly throughout the day. I really love this song because it's so true. I don't think I could ever stop following God. Even when I'm ignoring him or being distracted by other things, he's there. Everywhere I go I see him. No matter what country I'm in, whether I'm on the beach in Korea or in a crowded train station in Bangkok, I see him. He's always at least in the back of my mind. I can feel his love for these people and this country. Even if I don't have friends or family here with me, I'm not alone.

Everywhere I go he surrounds me.

Dependence

So I broke my wrists the other night. Yes, both of them. As I've already explained probably a million times, I was at a concert. It was a good concert too. There's all sorts of "writerly details" I would love to put in here, but it takes me forever to type anything, so I won't. Basically, I fell very hard onto cement and tried to break my fall with my hands. As the doctor later said, I may drink a lot of milk, but milk can't win against concrete.

So it's kind of hard getting around without hands. I just got casts on this afternoon (which is amazing) but for two days I could barely use them. For the most part I have a pretty good attitude about it. I've never been one to dwell overly long on hardships. But still. It's hard to have to rely on others for every little thing. Like when I was hungry and no one was home to help me with food. Or when I couldn't get out of the bathroom because I couldn't turn the handle. Or when my friends have to wrap me in blankets before I go out and brush the hair out of my face. I've always hated crying in front of people, but I couldn't help it the other night when my friends were washing my face and I couldn't quite seem to communicate what I wanted.

This is hard, but it's been good too. I love being independent, doing things for myself. I like helping others. Now I can't even help myself. My independence spills into my spiritual life, as do all aspects of life. It's not that I think that I can do it on my own, but I am not always dependent on God to do his work in me. I do not listen. I do not always wait on him. I pray that I would come out of this a lot humbler and more ready to listen.

Forgiveness Sunday

I stayed up until 3:30 Saturday night, and that made my 8:00 alarm almost unbearable. I managed to drag my weary carcass out of bed and forced myself to get ready for church. Even though sometimes it's hard to get up, I'm always excited to go to church. That's just one thing I like about St. Nicholas'.

Thankfully, Rosey wasn't too sleepy, so she drove to Springdale. We made our usual coffee-stop at the Conoco on the way. An older man works there. He almost always wear slumpy jeans and a blue t-shirt, and he has a huge beard. Rosey and I decided a couple of weeks ago that he looks like a mountain man, and we really want to give him a flannel shirt. When we walked towards the counter with our travel-mugs of coffee (only fifty cents, by the way), he just waved us on. "You think I'm going to charge you girls when you come visit me every Sunday? Go on, now."

We got to church a little early and sat in the car talking and finishing our coffees. When we finally went in, Ray, an older man in a red hoodie and jeans, met us before we went into the sanctuary.
"Since Lent starts tomorrow, we are having a forgiveness service after the homily. You don't have to participate if you don't want to, since you're not orthodox, but you can if you want to." We thanked him, and tried to quietly find a seat. The service was already underway, but it always is like that. Their 9:00 prayer service bleeds into the divine liturgy, so we always enter in to singing, chanting, and incense.

During the liturgy, I was pleased to see how many of the songs I have memorized. I like knowing what is next, anticipating my favorite songs and prayers. We sang a new song today with a line about Christ bringing the world the Great Mercy. A beautiful line.

I had almost forgotten Ray's warning when Father James faced us at the end of the service. He explained that it was a special Sunday, a time to prepare ourselves for Lent. He asked one of the deacons to stand in front of him. He took his hands and said, "If I have offended you in anyway in the past year, either intentional or unintentional, will you forgive me?" The deacon responded, "God forgives and so do I." Then they kissed each other's cheeks three times, alternating sides. Then the deacon stood on the priest's left, and another person came up. I was a bit amazed as I watched the whole church filing up to do the same.

I hovered, and then decided to join the stream of people. Sure, I don't know half the people in the church, but it was rather wonderful to be a part of the process. I loved watching the people too. My favorite was when a mother came to her three little girls. She knelt down, forehead to forehead with each girl, asking for their forgiveness. The little girls would giggle, and whisper, "God forgives and so do I" and then throw their arms around her.

I wound around the church, hugging and greeting and kissing cheeks. Some people took my hands and others clasped their hands in front of them. Some hugged me, some patted my shoulder and some just nodded. Some kissed me on the cheek while others gave me light air kisses, skirting my face by several inches. Yet all of them looked me in the eye, smiling all the way.

I was a bit awed by the whole thing. An entire church asking each others' forgiveness? That makes it a little hard to hold grudges, at least grudges that last longer than a year. On the way home, Rosey mentioned that she liked the physical aspect of the church, especially in that service. Crossing ourselves is one way that it is done, bowing another. That forgiveness service was yet another way to use our bodies to connect, to worship. I not only heard each church member verbalize their apologies, but I felt women's soft hands squeezing my arm, old men's beards scratching my cheek, children's arms wrapping around me. The community was almost tangible.

Someone mentioned to me that forgiveness should not be relegated to one Sunday a year. True, forgiveness should happen everyday, but does it? The forgiveness given in the service is not an obligation to be performed and soon forgotten but a reminder of what should be daily behavior.

If I have done anything in the past year to hurt or offend you, will you forgive me?
God forgives, and so do I.

Lord Have Mercy

Lord have mercy.

This is a prayer that is often said in the church I've been attending, St. Nicholas Orthodox Church. It is often said three times in a row to reflect the Trinity.

A friend went along with me one Sunday to visit the church. When we talked about it later, the thing that stuck with him was the "Lord have mercy" prayer. Even though he isn't orthodox, he said that he had said it many times over the past week.

What is it about this prayer? What makes it so special?

I think there is something to be said in its simplicity. In saying this prayer, we don't have to worry about sounding good or making the words come out right. We are not imressing anyone with our eloquence. In fact, we are admitting the fact that we don't have it all together, we need his help.

This prayer is for both the good times and the bad times. In times have hardship, may the Lord have mercy on us to give us strength and bring us comfort. May he have mercy on our weaknesses and build us up. In times of happiness, may the Lord keep us walking in his path and shelter us from harm. May his will be done in our lives.

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, for now, and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.

Numb

I have not written in a long time. I guess I'm not really much of a blogger anyway. But oh well.

Although this whole blog is called The Life Intentional, I have missed that most of last semester. The summer was such a great time with God. I was often lonely (yes, even with all the people around), but God was so close. Every morning I woke up early to read the Bible and pray. I prayed and tried to make every act a service to God. Many nights before bed I wrapped myself in a quilt, looked at the stars, and prayed and meditated on God. It was amazing.

But then I went back to school. It was coming down from the mountain, both literally and figuratively. Part of it was refusing to adapt to change. Part of it was getting caught up in business. And part was a refusal to live the way I could and should.

Not to say that this semester was a total waste; it wasn't that at all. I've learned many things. I've had my ups, times when I listened, times when I prayed. I've started going to a church that has been challenging me and teaching me new things. But I've had more downs than ups.

I am tired of my self-centeredness, my lack of love, and the way I ignore God. I want that to stop! Although the fact that it is New Year's Day is a coincidence, I do hope that this year will be different. I want to be alive again. I want to live intentionally like I know I should. For this I pray.

Lord have mercy.

Summertime

I'm pretty excited about summer. Well, in a way. In one way I don't want summer to come because that means that all of my senior friends will graduate and leave me. I hate thinking about it. They're all going to scatter across the US, maybe even world, getting jobs and doing all sorts of wonderful things. Will they come back and visit? Will we write or call? Maybe we will just have to remember all of the good times and late-night conversations, wondering what they're doing now.

Despite the horrible thought of graduation, I am excited about my summer job. I am going to be a counselor at SkyRanch in Colorado. I will be in charge of seventeen and eighteen-year-old girls. Almost the same age as my little sister. I love teenagers.

I am really excited about getting to work with teenagers again. I'm excited about meeting the people I'll be working with throughout the summer. I'm just excited about working at a camp. I have always wanted to work at a camp, and never have.

I know that it will be tiring and hard. I probably won't sleep very much, and I will be surrounded by people for a majority of the time. I pray for God's strength, patience and wisdom. I also pray that he prepare me for this time. I've never done anything like it before, and it will be intense.

Pray for me, if you think of it.

Simplicity

Simplicity has been coming up so much in my life lately. We've been talking about it in my Capstone (spiritual formations) class as a part of our Social Justice unit. The first week of the Lenten devotional I've been doing focused on simplicity. Now our passion group is going to start discussing simplicity. Also, simplicity has been raised by a group on campus, sparking conversations with people about the topic.

I really do want to make my life more simple. I can see not only how simplicity can benefit me (better focus on God and a less stressful life), but it also can help me be more generous since I'll be spending less money and have more time. It seems that there are two kinds of simplicity, and both are important.

To me, external simplicity seems a lot easier to figure out. Practical ways to implement external simplicity could be slimming down your wardrobe and giving away the extra clothes, walking when you can instead of driving, limiting how much money you spend on coffee or eating out, or even sharing items (a lawnmower, a garden, even a house) with others.

Internal simplicity is a little harder for me to pin down. It seems to me more about removing mental clutter and unnecessary activities from your life. Ways to implement internal simplicity could include being involved in fewer activities, taking time each day to be still and pray, and cutting down on mindless distractions like tv.

I've been thinking a lot about things I can do to live more simply. Of course, clothes is a big issue. I am not an advocate of only having two changes of clothes and never buying anything new, but I do see how the amount of clothes I have border on the ridiculous. I started a new policy recently that I call The Hanger Rule. I will not buy more hangers. If I get more clothes, then I have to get rid of some to make room. This is a start, but I think I do need to pare down my closet some more. I also try to limit how many clothes I buy for full price. If I really need something, I try to shop sales or go to a thrift store.

I also decided that I need to stop snacking when I'm not really hungry. This not a huge problem for me, but I probably do it every one to two weeks or so (depending on the time of year--finals week is a lot more). I convince myself that I am actually hungry when I really don't need food. That habit is not only bad for me healthwise, but it's a big waste of money. I really need to be conscious of when I am actually hungry and when my mouth is just hungry.

Finally, probably the biggest thing I'm learning (and struggling with) is the idea of holding my possessions loosely. Of course, I've heard all my life that my stuff isn't really my stuff but God's stuff and life isn't just about things, but when I think about it, I don't really live like that's what I believe. Some of my things I really don't care about. Like food. I love to share food with people, and I have absolutely no qualms about giving it away. Or even my car. Cars are nice, but I'm not that worried about them. The real thing I struggle with is the funny little things that I get attached to. For example, the other day I had a dinner with a bunch of people and my favorite cup was lost. It sounds silly, but I was rather unhappy that MY favorite cup was lost and I was thinking that I shouldn't have brought it to the dinner. Then I realized that maybe it's good that my cup was lost. I don't want anything, much less a stupid cup, to become so important to me that I consider not even letting others use it. I want to live the reality of God being the true owner of my stuff.

Anyway, these are just a few things that I have been tossing around lately. We'll see how it goes.

The Life Intentional

I have always liked the idea of having a blog. I have inconsistently kept up a xanga site for a few years, but I would like to do something more. My previous attempts at blogging have all been rather scattered and sporadic. It acted more as an online journal than anything. I would like to be able to use this blog to discuss what I have been thinking about in my life, but maybe in a more organized manner.

I've been thinking that it would be nice to have a blog to write about the many things I have been learning lately. I thought it would be nice to have some kind of a theme (one way to be more organized), but the problem is that my thoughts all seem so different.

A few weeks ago (or was it months) in the Gathering (our school's student chapel), one of my friends spoke on the Intentional Life. She was talking about how important it is to be active in life, not just skating on by. That phrase, intentional living, perfectly describes what I want.

I want to live actively engaged in the (pardon the cliche) beauty and pain of this life. I want to learn more about this wonderful, complex world. I want to know God better and learn how to live my faith. I want to live with my eyes wide open.

I want to live a life intentional.